Airport morons

I recently got back from a vacation in South Florida with my family, in which my husband and I flew from DC to Ft. Lauderdale. After 28 years of living and traveling, I don’t know why I still get annoyed by idiots in airports. Seriously, the most intelligent person on the planet steps foot in an airport, and suddenly he/she becomes a bumbling moron with zero sense of common decency. Here is just a snippet of  the dumb things we encountered this past week, both in the Washington-Reagan National Airport and the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood Airport.

• People who wear their neck pillows around the terminal like it’s an accessory. Newsflash: you look like a tool. And people are laughing at you. See Exhibit A (note: I am not sure if this is an Elvis impersonator. My mom snapped the photo):
• Boarding zones. What is even the point? Yeah, I get the concept, but the execution is terrible, because no matter what, some moron (or family of morons, in our case) jams their way up to the front of the line, but then holds everything up because they’re a 3, and they’ve only called 1 and 2. SIT DOWN. THERE IS A SEAT FOR YOU, WE PROMISE.
• Checked bag fees. It really needs to be the other way around, and airlines need to start charging people for each additional bag you drag on board besides your one carry on and one personal item. Because you have assholes who don’t want to pay the $20 that USAirways charges, so they bring a giant rollerboard bag, a duffel AND a laptop case and take up all the overhead room.
• People who stand up and jam the aisles the second the seat belt sign goes off. Where are you going? You are in row 16, buddy. There are about 80 people who need to get off first.
• People who bring smelly food onto the plane or people who pay for one of the “snack boxes”–in this case, it was the guy next to me with a snack box. No one wants to smell your canned chicken salad that you’re smearing disgustingly on wheat crackers like you haven’t eaten in a week. My husband probably wondered why I was so interested in the smell of his t-shirt for those ten minutes.

I could write an entire post about morons in the security line, but I’ll save it for another time.

I suck at technology

I said in the first post that sometimes the entries would be about dumb things I’ve done. Here you go.

While visiting my peeps in North Carolina last weekend, I snapped a great picture on my cell phone of a really dumb thing.

The problem is, I don’t know how to get pictures off my cell phone onto the computer.  Sooo if anyone out there who reads this can help me, I’m all yours!

They’ll give anyone a show, won’t they?

Seriously, in this day and age, how do I NOT have my own TV show? Really dumb television update of the day: The Food Network, my truest love, has given figure skater Brian Boitano his own show. And the show is called “What Would Brian Boitano Make?”

This is NOT an Onion story. Repeat: NOT AN ONION STORY. This is a real, actual thing: http://www.foodnetwork.com/what-would-brian-boitano-make/index.html

There are so many things wrong with this, I don’t even know where to start.

What day is it again?

So, for my job, I regularly have to visit various companies for meetings, events, as well as to pick up and drop off items. This incident happened when I went by one of these companies for a regularly scheduled pick up on a Thursday afternoon.

Me, to front desk security: “Hi, I need to pick up an envelope that was left for me by Jane Smith, my name is Lindsay B.”

Front Desk Security: “You got ID?”

FDS, after reviewing my ID, then proceeds to root through a variety of envelopes left at the desk for people. Then, while still looking at my ID:

FDS: “You said your name is LIZZIE, do people call you LIZ? Because I have something for a LIZ here.”

Me: “LIND-SAY, not LIZ-ZIE.”

FDS roots around some more, and finally unearths the envelope and hands it over.

FDS: “Oh here it is! You were supposed to be here to get this two days ago, it says THURSDAY on here!”

Me: “…it IS Thursday.”

FDS: “Oh man, I really need it to be Friday!”

Me: “Um, you already think it’s Saturday? Have a nice day!”

I could not get out of there fast enough. My contact at this company is in HR and I debated on having a word with her about who they hire for front desk security.

“That’s a GREAT IDEA!”

So, it seems only fitting that my inaugural “dumb thing” post be about W, a cashier at a CVS about a mile from my office.

I’ve visited this CVS multiple times on my lunch hour, which must be her normal shift, since she’s there every time. And this obviously makes me a glutton for punishment, because every time I go, my blood pressure probably is about 20 points higher than when I went in.

I’m thinking of one particular time for this post. I’m waiting in line with about three people ahead of me and another two or three behind me. W is the only cashier on duty. It’s finally my turn, she rings up my stuff, I swipe my debit card and select the option of $20 cash back.

The cash drawer pops open, and she starts freaking out. “OH NOOOOO! I’m going to have to call a manager to get change! I can’t give you THIS! (holds up a $50 bill).” 

I finally speak up and tell her, “Don’t you have any tens or fives? I’ll take two tens, it doesn’t really matter.”

Her response? “Oh, that’s a GREAT IDEA!” like I’m effing Einstein or something. 

Yes folks, that was the day when I taught W that $20 cash back doesn’t necessarily have to be given in the form of a $20 bill. Making change is fun for the whole family!

Dumb things happens to everyone…

But I appear to be a magnet for the moronic. Welcome to my blog, a chronicle of funny yet stupid incidents that I swear could only happen to me.

Some of the posts might be about me being dumb. Some of them (ok, most of them) might be about other people being dumb. Sometimes, I might just post a picture of something stupid I’ve seen with a witty and clever caption.

I probably won’t post every day, but when I do, you’ll know it’s a doozy.  And I hope this space will encourage you to share the dumb things you’ve encountered in your every day lives, too.